|So this is what this feels like...
||[Oct. 21st, 2010|01:12 am]
Ever liked some one so much that you even get kinda nauseous when you think about them. Like your heart beats too fast? I honestly cant say that I even remember this feeling. With Musa it was the idea of being in a relationship with some one who offers all the things he had to "offer", or so i thought, lol. Like I felt like I should like him for all that stuff because that stuff was so important. With Andrew I just married my rebound, I never felt twitterpated or head over heels. Hasnt been since Joe that I have actually felt like this. I cant go a minute with out thinking about him. I cant go 24 hours with out seeing him. I cant be around him with out wanting nothing more than keep kissing him. When I am away from him I text him. Post on his facebook. Write him messages. Think about him, or write about him, or talk about him. Forcing myself to take time away from him, because its not healthy to be around eachother 24/7. Even though thats all I want. I want to be with him, and snuggled in his arms. I feel him wake up at night and stroke my arm and brush the hair out of my face and cuddle me tighter after giving me a kiss on my head. He looks at me like I am the most amazing thing he has ever come into contact with. He gives me everything I need and more. He is always being thoughtful and going out of his way to just lend a hand, ask if I need or want anything, or even just bring something he knows I need. He makes me laugh and we already have a bunch of inside jokes. He is sensitive. In a perfect way. He wants meaningful relationships and nothing more. He has a past that he could have used as an excuse to just give up, but he let it make him stronger and better. I cant believe I almost didnt give him a chance. Im not going to say I am in love, because I am making an effort this time around to go slow and realllllllly be sure about everything before saying and doing things. But if I were to not being making that effort I probably would have already said I love you. He has me a hot mess. And it feels amazing. My emotions for him just make me feel like crying sometimes. I swore I would be single, and I knew there was a good chance I wouldnt last long with that. And dont mark my words, but I think I finally at least picked the right one to jump into a relationship with. My mom doesnt want me to be with him. She thinks that since he sort of fought for me when I was about to not give him much of a chance that he isnt stable. I think he is similar to me where he cares about people quicker than most. I think he saw what we could have and he realllllly liked me and just felt like he just wished he could have had more of a chance. Its true, he didnt show much respect for my decision, but in his defense I kept changing my mind every other day, and even if I hadnt voiced that I changed my mind I would show it in my behavior. He saw I was teetering, and just wished so hard that I would just jump in and give us a chance. I cant hate him for that. If anything, it makes me like him more. I just hope that my mom can like him some day, because Im crazy about him, and he treats me like gold. There would be nothing more important to me than getting her blessing on this one, and not just because its what I want but because she believes in us too. He is amazing with Avery too, she loves having him around. Which I am going to limit even more because I want some time to pass before I involve her too much. Its whats right for her, even though my heart is telling me I want him around for a long time, I should really wait to get to know him better. I want to do everything right this time around, not just because thats been the plan for my next relationship, lol, but because I would really love for it to work with this one. I know I rush into everything, and I over evaluate my emotions sometimes, and I tend to settle. Forcing myself to take this one slowly. I dont want to compromise this in anyway. And then if it doesnt work out, I havnt said I love you, moved in, married, or had a child with him. lol. I dont exactly believe in god, but Im willing to do a just in case prayer for this one, Please god let this all work out for the best, for Avery, for me, for him, and for my family and his. And for work. lol. In every way PLEASE let this work out for the best, whatever the best may be. AMEN.|