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So this is what this feels like... [Oct. 21st, 2010|01:12 am]
blak_and_wite
Ever liked some one so much that you even get kinda nauseous when you think about them. Like your heart beats too fast? I honestly cant say that I even remember this feeling. With Musa it was the idea of being in a relationship with some one who offers all the things he had to "offer", or so i thought, lol. Like I felt like I should like him for all that stuff because that stuff was so important. With Andrew I just married my rebound, I never felt twitterpated or head over heels. Hasnt been since Joe that I have actually felt like this. I cant go a minute with out thinking about him. I cant go 24 hours with out seeing him. I cant be around him with out wanting nothing more than keep kissing him. When I am away from him I text him. Post on his facebook. Write him messages. Think about him, or write about him, or talk about him. Forcing myself to take time away from him, because its not healthy to be around eachother 24/7. Even though thats all I want. I want to be with him, and snuggled in his arms. I feel him wake up at night and stroke my arm and brush the hair out of my face and cuddle me tighter after giving me a kiss on my head. He looks at me like I am the most amazing thing he has ever come into contact with. He gives me everything I need and more. He is always being thoughtful and going out of his way to just lend a hand, ask if I need or want anything, or even just bring something he knows I need. He makes me laugh and we already have a bunch of inside jokes. He is sensitive. In a perfect way. He wants meaningful relationships and nothing more. He has a past that he could have used as an excuse to just give up, but he let it make him stronger and better. I cant believe I almost didnt give him a chance. Im not going to say I am in love, because I am making an effort this time around to go slow and realllllllly be sure about everything before saying and doing things. But if I were to not being making that effort I probably would have already said I love you. He has me a hot mess. And it feels amazing. My emotions for him just make me feel like crying sometimes. I swore I would be single, and I knew there was a good chance I wouldnt last long with that. And dont mark my words, but I think I finally at least picked the right one to jump into a relationship with. My mom doesnt want me to be with him. She thinks that since he sort of fought for me when I was about to not give him much of a chance that he isnt stable. I think he is similar to me where he cares about people quicker than most. I think he saw what we could have and he realllllly liked me and just felt like he just wished he could have had more of a chance. Its true, he didnt show much respect for my decision, but in his defense I kept changing my mind every other day, and even if I hadnt voiced that I changed my mind I would show it in my behavior. He saw I was teetering, and just wished so hard that I would just jump in and give us a chance. I cant hate him for that. If anything, it makes me like him more. I just hope that my mom can like him some day, because Im crazy about him, and he treats me like gold. There would be nothing more important to me than getting her blessing on this one, and not just because its what I want but because she believes in us too. He is amazing with Avery too, she loves having him around. Which I am going to limit even more because I want some time to pass before I involve her too much. Its whats right for her, even though my heart is telling me I want him around for a long time, I should really wait to get to know him better. I want to do everything right this time around, not just because thats been the plan for my next relationship, lol, but because I would really love for it to work with this one. I know I rush into everything, and I over evaluate my emotions sometimes, and I tend to settle. Forcing myself to take this one slowly. I dont want to compromise this in anyway. And then if it doesnt work out, I havnt said I love you, moved in, married, or had a child with him. lol. I dont exactly believe in god, but Im willing to do a just in case prayer for this one, Please god let this all work out for the best, for Avery, for me, for him, and for my family and his. And for work. lol. In every way PLEASE let this work out for the best, whatever the best may be. AMEN.
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2010|09:38 am]
blak_and_wite
Yeah, I have grown. I know you that you never stop growing. I know that you never stop learning, so I guess Im not suprised that I feel just as troubled as I always have. I think that I THINK that Im in touch with myself and my emotions. But I think I have yet to scratch the surface. Dont get me wrong, I think that I am more self aware than most. But I find myself conflicted with...everything, all the time. I fight myself every step of the way through life. I always want to do the right thing and make the right choice, but it seems like no matter what I do its not good enough.
Avery wouldnt fall asleep with out me so I had to go to bed in the middle of writing this, and now Im just not feeling very open to evaluating my emotions and my situation.
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Breaking up or breaking down? [May. 9th, 2009|12:30 am]
blak_and_wite
Oh goodness. Does that lost feeling ever go away. If so, is it something that will come from a situational change? Or must it absolutely come from with in. If it must come from with in, isnt there a chance that a situational change will better allow me to channel my inner most self. I need friends, ones that I see. I need to be single. Wether it be 100% single or fun and dating single, I dont care. But I need to live and support myself. I am only supporting myself 50% here. Even though if I was single, I would need goverment help, which wouldnt be 100% supporting myself. I need to make the only financial choices. I need to be independant. I cant keep being the only one who cares about all that in a 2 person relatioship. I cant get ahead that way. I dont like being alone. I dont like the feeling of not having anyone to hug or touch. But we dont do that now. I hate not having anyone to talk to, or enjoy, but we dont do that now. I want to have deep interesting conversations, I want passion, I want some one to be just as caring and thoughtful toward me as I am toward them. I want respect, appreciation, and not because I parent my child with all I have, or work my ass off, but because of who I am. I dont have any of this. And even if I did, it wouldnt be from the right person. Is it time for me? Do I do this? Do I tell him I have changed my mind and I think we should see if we can finacially work everything out for a split? I told him it was near impossible at this moment, which it seems. But maybe that doesnt matter anymore? Maybe we both turn to family and the government again and seperately get on our feet. Maybe. I dont want to screw him over, and I never purposely will. But I dont want it to even happen by mistake. I am told I will be the one that gets the financial help, Im the mother. I dont want him to struggle too much. Am I worrying too much about him? He is a young man, he can work 2 jobs. He'll be fine, worry about me? Take care of Avery and I and let him do what he has to do. Im not in love with him, and I think he is a horrible husband, but I care about him as a person, and on top of that, he will always be averys dad. Why dont any of my friends live around here? Why cant my mom clean up her act? Ok, Im done. For now.
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Andrew lied [Apr. 13th, 2009|10:38 am]
blak_and_wite
Somewhat annoyed with Andrew. I found out he lied to me the other day. He went out to pick up butts and baby wipes, then called a half hour later and said he was just going to run to the newington mall to meet up with his brother for a second. 2 hours after he left he strolled in. I didnt say anything to him, even though I wanted to, because I had been left with no butts for that time. But it wasnt a huge deal, so I left it alone. But then his brother came over yesterday and was talking and he let something slip. He was talking about his friends apartment and was like oh yeah that was so funny yesterday, you were like... then he stopped short and didnt know what to say. I knew he caught himself saying something he forgot he wasnt suppose to mention. After he left I asked Andrew if he went down to salisbury the day before rather than newington, and he said no. I said, are you lying to me, and he said, maybe. So I got it out of him that he did infact go there, but why lie to me? Like WTF. That pisses me off. He tried playing it off like he didnt lie, plans just changed and he happened to not mention it to me. But if that was all there was to it, A. his brother would be trying to cover Andrews tracks for him like that. And B. Andrew just had lied at the beginning of the conversation and didnt tell the truth till after I pushed it. Im sure I know why he thinks it was a good idea...Whenever we have time time together, I always want to spend it with him. We work opposite work schedules, and opposite sleep schedules, and opposite Avery time schedules! Opposite Opposite Opposite! I get lonely what with no friends or family in the area. And the thing is, I know he sees others just as little and actually less than I do because he works overnights where he is either alone or working with one other person. So I know he must be lonely too. But the difference is, when we have an opportunity to spend time together, I value it, and he goes off and makes plans with his brother every time. Whatever, all I know, is everytime he pisses me off, I always just let it go, and then shit never changes. This time Im staying pissed, untill he is sorry, because right now he still isnt even acknowledging that he lied to me. And I mean sincerely sorry, not just a hold of the hand and a quick, hey look im sorry! No. I want a real apology, and I dont want this shit to happen again. We are raising a daughter together here! And Im not doing it by myself! Communication, trust, respect! Lets go! I want that! Ok, Im going to go spend time with Avery!
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Unfaithfully Faithful [Apr. 10th, 2009|07:40 pm]
blak_and_wite
Sigh. Just got home from work. Woke Andrew up for work. He just left. Tried calling my mom. Since she called me 3 times between 630 and 645 this morning. When I answered, she asked if she woke me...I was like yes, and she had me repeat myself five million times. So by the 5th millionth time, I was like YES! And she said..."well, if you are going to be all irritated, we can talk later when you arent. And I said, no whats up, and once again she had me repeat myself a million times. Finally she just hung up on me saying "fine whatever!" Ummmm wtf. Can I just say that the last time I talked to her was forever ago when I was suppose to be going over her house the next day, but she ended up relapsing and blowing Avery, my grandmother, and myself off! That was like what seems like 3 weeks agoish. Then I listened to a messege she left me on of the first times she called when I was trying to sleep and hoping Avery wouldnt wake up. She was just crying, and then said, "I want to leave a messege so bad, but just cant." And hung up. I dont know, I guess I like hearing from her. So I know she is ok. What she does isnt the safest thing. Health, Legally, and Socially. But I dont want to hear that she just doesnt want to do this any more and have her make plans with me, and then get let down two in one with her blowing me off to go smoke crack. Sorry. Im at such a middle place with all this. I want to know her, I want to help her, I want her to be safe, I want this to stop. But I cant know her this way, I cant bring my child near it, and she isnt herself what so ever when she is doing it either. And I cant help her, I think and think, but I just keep being told there is nothing I can do. And as long as she is doing this she wont be safe, she has been doing this for most of her life! Her health is shot to shit, and when she gets into it again, she just picks up right where she left off, DEEP! And I want faith, and a part of me has it, but faith isnt something you can stand with one foot in and one foot out. You either have faith or you dont, and I just dont know where I stand. Im afraid this will never end. I need help. But my family is so able to just let her go in a sense when she goes back to it. They still love her, and they always talk to her if she calls, but they decided they can chase her around or talk to her or whatever and its not going to help. They have been doing it for years. They are able to disconnect. I have just been getting to know her. Clean and sover, and also while she has been using. I have put alot of time and effort into understanding addiction. I feel that an intervention could possibly be effective. All of her family in one place, telling her how we need her and wont loose her to this addiction and wont watch her kill her self any longer. All that stuff. Tell her she needs to go into treatment. Tell her we wont provide anything for her, not that we really do now. But even tell her that if we know where she is while using we will call the cops on her. Whatever it takes to get her to just say yes. In all these years she has been locked up and went to aa meeting when sober, but she has never gotten any treatment. No one has taught her those life skills that she needs to get and STAY clean and sober. I know she wants it, she just needs to get some help that she has never gotten before. Ok. I suppose Im done. For now. I have many feelings on this topic. But Ill stop for now. Night!
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Hiiiiiiii [Apr. 3rd, 2009|11:02 pm]
blak_and_wite
So, They took my facebook away. Im not sure why. I wasnt doing anything I wasnt suppose to. I sent them an Email, and they have only replied saying that they would get back to me shorty. This was like a week and a half ago! Sucks. Andrew works over nights, so everynight when I get home from work, he leaves to go to work. And Im not ready to go right to bed, So I do stuff on facebook usually. Im a huge loser like that.

Anyhow. I thought I already posted an entry about my life these days. Mostly everyone knows anyway. I have a beautiful baby girl. Her name is Avery Madelynne Connatser! Andrew and I rushed into things (lol) and got married Jan 16th 07. And Avery was born Dec 22nd 07. If you do the math, you'll see, yes we did get married first! hehe. Its been 2 years that him and I have been together. And its been a bumpy ass road. But nothing like my previous relationship with Joe. Andrew and I are equals. Yeah, he does more stupid shit then I do, and he isnt a very sensitive person. But he doesnt lie, cheat, or aviod me. We have our problems, and we may or may not be right for eachother. And we know we love eachother. Its just going to be a journey to find out if we should be together forever. Even when we fight, we get over it at the very most a day. We have a very close understanding and connection. There are certain things about our relationship that DO make us question it. But we got married young, and I know I had some definite issues comming into the relationship. I went straight from Joe to Andrew, like I always say, wether it be insensitive or not, I married my rebound. And I am ok with that little...huge..blunder. Just a part of my oun path. And he and I gave eachother something no one else could ever provide....Avery! Anyway, so yes, he needs to get some private therapy, as do I. Then we need to to some marriage counciling. Because we married young, we have some growing up to do in eachothers company, and all I know it that during that, we need to be supportive and understanding. If things dont work out in the long run, we will accept it and still be close. But at least we will be able to say that we approached it in a caring, mature manner. Ok, its been a while since I have written in here, and I dont want to make it so long that no one really feels like reading such a long post. Although I am going to treat this as somewhat of what it is...a journal! I am a very open person, I see no need to hide much of anything. So read if you'd like, or not! Im reading yours! hehe! Bye. Next time Ill write more about my perfect child! I planned on writing about her in this WAY more, but I kind of got caught up in where I was going with the Andrew banter! Ok. for real this time, Bye!
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(no subject) [Apr. 5th, 2006|10:54 pm]
blak_and_wite
Wow. I went into Boston the other night with Joe for a couple of hours, it was so fun!! Anyway, we were at a KFC in Dorchester, and this homeless man was asking for change, joe and I ordered our food, and Joe turns to the man and gives him his empty cup (to fill at the soda fountain), 2 snackers and his wedges!! I have the greatest, almost-boyfriend in the world! Isnt he great! <333

Ok thats it, I just wanted to share that with all of you!
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Anyone wanna get an apartment with me????? [Jan. 12th, 2006|04:37 pm]
blak_and_wite
I need to find a place to live..and Im at the end of my rope, you know, the one where people help me, and thats ok, because I need to get out on my own anyway. However I cant do it completely alone. I do need some help, therefor I need a room mate. I am pretty unorganized, but I can fix that if it will drive you crazy. I work in Newburyport from 730 am to like 330 pm at the latest and 1130 at the earliest. I have a car, and I am looking to live with someone who also has a car, because not to be a bitch but I dont want to end up being your taxi. Anyways..some exceptions can be made, and you know who you are. I am not a morning person..i like to sleep in on weekends, and depending upon the day, I like to stay out late. Drinking and smoking pot are cool with me but nothin more extreme. I smoke cigarettes but I will not be deciding where I live on that. I would like quit. I have not found a place yet, but will be looking into it like..now, depending upon wether or not I find anyone soon enough, you can help me look. I would like to live somewhere between seabrook NH, all the way to about Beverly-Peobody area. Well yea ok, any more questions just message me and we can get in touch.

Oh and Im hoping to spend under 800 a month plus utilities, hopefully. If we can get more than two of us thats cool, the more people the less money we all have to pay.
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(no subject) [Mar. 2nd, 2005|06:17 pm]
blak_and_wite
ha, this is Matt, and I know Tiffanys password... ah the things I can do... =)

but I wont.
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sounds about right [Jan. 8th, 2005|12:46 am]
blak_and_wite
Who will give you an orgasm? by leslie13
Name
Age
Virgin?
So, who will make you moan?Yourself.
How?Just by standing there.
Will it be good?It'll be fucking amazing!
Percentage of people who smiled when they saw this: 93%
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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